From: Me
Re: Your Recent Efforts to Murder Me
July 3, 2008
Dear GPS,
I write to draw your attention to a subject which I am convinced has recently been on your mind. That subject being my impending doom. While you might not realize it, I have pieced together the pieces of your insidious little plot and now lay them at your feet for explanation.
First, you directed me through the Tetons and then through the southern entrance to Yellowstone. This route was a clear contradiction to the route earlier provided by google maps, which included no such avenue through the Tetons or through Yellowstone, but instead directed me to skirt the park and right into my hotel. At first, I figured that the flaw lay in your software. Perhaps your route was based on the fewest number of miles traveled, instead of calculating the speed limits involved to come up with the shortest temporal, rather than geographical, route. However, the more I think about it, I detect the faintest stirrings of a more diabolical plot.
Given my course, there was only one rational way to get me to enter Yellowstone from the southern entrance: by forcing me to go through the Tetons. No other plausible route would have gotten me anyway in a fifty mile radius of that entrance. However, if I had to go through the Tetons, it would have been only natural to enter through the southern entrance. And, as you well know, the southern entrance is a terror-fraught ascent into hell; a bare three feet of gravel-strewn sand separating me from a fiery end.
And then there were your directions upon exiting Yellowstone. Your earlier actions had put me on my guard, and luckily so. For if I had followed your directions, my end would have been met not by fire but by the cold, aquatic grip of the surrounding lake. And lest you should doubt me, witness Exhibit A:
I am now convinced, by a preponderance of the evidence, that you are attempting to murder me. However, I have grown accustomed to your colorful maps, estimation of distances and arrival times. Therefore, until I am convinced beyond a reasonable doubt of your intentions, I shall keep you in place. However, consider yourself on probation. Consider google maps, your bitter nemesis, as your probation officer. Shall you deviate again, say cheerfully direct me into the face of a cliff, I am afraid that it is you, not I, who shall perish in a fiery crash.
GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY.
Dear GPS,
I write to draw your attention to a subject which I am convinced has recently been on your mind. That subject being my impending doom. While you might not realize it, I have pieced together the pieces of your insidious little plot and now lay them at your feet for explanation.
First, you directed me through the Tetons and then through the southern entrance to Yellowstone. This route was a clear contradiction to the route earlier provided by google maps, which included no such avenue through the Tetons or through Yellowstone, but instead directed me to skirt the park and right into my hotel. At first, I figured that the flaw lay in your software. Perhaps your route was based on the fewest number of miles traveled, instead of calculating the speed limits involved to come up with the shortest temporal, rather than geographical, route. However, the more I think about it, I detect the faintest stirrings of a more diabolical plot.
Given my course, there was only one rational way to get me to enter Yellowstone from the southern entrance: by forcing me to go through the Tetons. No other plausible route would have gotten me anyway in a fifty mile radius of that entrance. However, if I had to go through the Tetons, it would have been only natural to enter through the southern entrance. And, as you well know, the southern entrance is a terror-fraught ascent into hell; a bare three feet of gravel-strewn sand separating me from a fiery end.
And then there were your directions upon exiting Yellowstone. Your earlier actions had put me on my guard, and luckily so. For if I had followed your directions, my end would have been met not by fire but by the cold, aquatic grip of the surrounding lake. And lest you should doubt me, witness Exhibit A:
I am now convinced, by a preponderance of the evidence, that you are attempting to murder me. However, I have grown accustomed to your colorful maps, estimation of distances and arrival times. Therefore, until I am convinced beyond a reasonable doubt of your intentions, I shall keep you in place. However, consider yourself on probation. Consider google maps, your bitter nemesis, as your probation officer. Shall you deviate again, say cheerfully direct me into the face of a cliff, I am afraid that it is you, not I, who shall perish in a fiery crash.
GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY.
Cheers,
Branden A. Bell
Branden A. Bell
BAB/cah
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